Brain, Brain, Go Away

Can you ever go on vacation without using your head for just once?

So things didn't go the way you wanted it to be. But is it still you to blame? 

How many times do you have to tell yourself that life will never be unfair yet you try to make things right the way you want it to be, the way you think it should be? You try to be happy and yet all the little reasons that make up your little world of happiness can be considered just pure bull?

Dammit.

You can hang yourself if you want to. Seriously.

Today's itinerary started like this: (After 12 MN)

4:16 AM: woke up. stared into space. stared at phone with such pity since it had been crying for a charge.

4:16:45 AM: shed a tear. this is shit. what the heck am i still doing here?

4:18 AM: dozed off to sleep.

6:20 AM: awaken by the sound of a human bullhorn aka the Marius. and a hug. sometimes hugs aren't worth reciprocating anymore. :(

6:45 AM: off to the seaside. somebody drown me.

7:30 AM: wanting so much to go home.

How can I go home if I can't even tell my parents what the heck is going on with me? A week ago I was in high spirits, loving myself and loving cleaning my room once more. Only proof that I am on the road to recovery. Only for me to find out that recovery is pretty much connected to relapse.

How I wish I could crawl into a hole and disappear.

Fail, fail, FAIL.

Decision and Friends

Aren't you just happy to wake up in the morning being your old self? Where you can be thankful that the sunbeams tickled your eyes to wake up, instead of drawing the curtains down, where you welcome the day and won't curse yourself and every possible reason that made you sleep for such a short time? Where chores would be done with gusto and not with a frown?

Life can't give you everything you want all in one blow. But God can give it in an installment basis. Pretty hard, but in the end you know that you will have it all, eventually, in His time.

Work on it, Nikki. Thank goodness for blocking. You don't get to see fuglies, and you don't need to look at things that make you throw up. You don't need to be an anorexic to be thin, you just need the proper diet and exercise. You don't have to look at the bad things, you just need to count your blessings.

Quit worrying much, it makes you ugly. Life offers you so many reasons to believe you are one of the most beautifully unique creatures on the face of the earth.

We will always be short of money, no matter how much we make or give. The important thing is you lend a helping hand to those in need and pay your dues to those whom you owe an amount or two. We disrupt other peoples' financial equilibriums when we borrow, and we make use of every penny spent. Be a person of your word and give it back. People expect. The "never expect, never demand" principle does not apply here.

Life is a matter of choice and part chance. Either deal with it or leave it.

Karmic. Yes, I know.

How mean were you in your past life that things like these happen to you?

How fast karma comes back to you, you can never tell. How grave, all the more that you'll never know.

How many people have done you wrong, have hurt you, have thought of you as shit when you are simply trying to live a life as a normal person that the only thing you can wish for them is that they'll have their days?

They will. Trust me. It might not be today, later, tomorrow or in a month from now. But they will.

Go creep yourself out. Serves you right.

Get A Grip.

So one day you think you've gotten things under control when out comes the big bad wolf and blows your house down.

What do you do when you've gotten a grip of what you want in life and then for no apparent reason, what you want doesn't want you?

When you want clarity and all you get is confusion, when you ask for happiness and all you get is pain, when you are happy with the simple things in life and fate finds the balls to make it complex.. what's next for you?

A million-and-one questions, just a few answers to make things okay.

When your answers refuse to be the answers, solutions, what's next?

:(

It Pays

...to be completely aware that the world you are born in will never be perfect, and that every person has the ability to be a potential asshole.

Not just if they were given the chance, but yes, they have it in them. They just haven't used it up yet.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror?

Ever checked if you had a marquee board on your forehead that says "date me, assholes?"

Once and again, I will not forgive myself. For what is the purpose of forgiving when I haven't done anything wrong.

Ahaha, be strong Nikki. You are young, the world is young.

What a waste. A handsome waste.

A Letter to the 40-year-old Nikki

Dearest,

How are you? I think of you every so often that sometimes I can just talk to you face to face. If I can just find some vehicle to take me where you are, same time and space, to do a check on you. I don't really know where you are, or what you are, or if traces of me will still be in you at present.

Did you get to fly? I still rant about it now, I wonder if you ever made it. I hope so. It should've made Mommy and Daddy proud. Did you get a mini? You should've gotten the black one with racer checks. Did you maintain a flat stomach? You should have, since it's the only thing I have problems with (aside from the occasional armajello). Haha. I so want to know how you're doing.

If only.

I want to know how Mano is. If he did pursue math hell or not. How Mother is, if she's still working her ass off when she shouldn't. Did Dad ever get over the laxed life? How Margaux is, if she's still the spoiled baby or if she's turned into the ultimate geek.

How is your heart? Are you now cold-hearted, the way I wanted you to be? Did you end up happy? Did you end up alone, content that you have the kids around? What happened to the boy that broke your heart and you still wanted more? What happened to the other boy whom you thought was Mr. Perfect but didn't have the balls to stand up for that post? I am hoping that you are well. I am hoping that you are better, stronger, more fulfilled.

For I am, right now, in all the wrong places. My faith in the Lord and in you are the only things intact.

Keep safe love. I'll see you soon.

Blank.

Couldn't really seem to write anything with much sense nowadays.

A few days ago, it was supposed to be a little boy vendor that I encountered in Divisoria, but now that doesn't make any sense.

Anilao next week? Just too early. Yawn.

How boys can be so stupid? Sexism on the rise. Nah. Sometimes no matter how much you love them you just can't help but hate them.

Hide. Just hide.

Am I on the verge of practically NOT caring?

This I got to find out. :)

Never Expect...

...never demand.

If only.

So here I am again, finding solace in keyboarding and jazz music. Life goes on.

I just might get used to this. No, not might: SHOULD is a better word for it.


spring has gone and winter's gone, my love. but don't look around for me child, i'll be gone.

Alone Again... NATURALLY.

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people 're saying,
"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

(instrumental break)

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to have cried the tears
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally...

The case of the ho-hum rollercoaster

There are just some days where you feel so blah, so bored, so, well, annoyed.

The "annoyed" part just came out of nowhere.

When there are just some days when you have the omg-i-can't-hardly-wait-to-see-you drive where the kilig factor isn't just kilig You go nuts.

Issues, schmissues.

"..and nobody knows it."

I want you out of my system...

...and I want you out of my world in the soonest possible time.

You are like this splinter stuck in my thumb that needs gargantuan effort and a magnifying glass to take you out.

You are like traffic, unavoidable, annoying and ruins your day when in fact it should be a plain given.

You have been part of it, and I believe it was about time you knew what you lost, what you wasted away for your own personal gain; so it would be best that changing roles would - and should - take effect.

I will never be on-call. Anymore. What am I, your nanny? Sheesh.

You are not healthy nor worthy of my pains or attention anymore. I don't want you to be the recipient of my attention, my goodness, the source of my happiness anymore. I want to be numb.

Because I don't want you anymore.

Why?

Because for one thing I have earnestly wanted, prayed for and believe I so deserve, I cannot have. It hurts listening to such rantings like a broken record. It hurts trying to hide what you have to say and feel because I have no stand in whatever way.

I want to be a strong girl. I am strong for my family, for my siblings. Why can't I be strong for myself? I want to be patient, like other people can be with me and for me. I want to be the epitome of the perfect girl for the perfect boy for at least 5 minutes in my life. I don't want any false hopes up, because I want the hope to be there, the hope that will keep me going. I'd like to have a keeper. And i'd want mr. keeper to make me his little miss keeper, faults, mood swings, impatience and all.


Patawarin mo ako
Mapaglarong isipan,
Mapapatawad mo ba ako,
O sadyang makakalimutan...

The Longest Fifteen Minutes. Ever.

I rendered overtime hours earlier today. Not for the fun of it, but just to kill time until the kids are wide awake enough to open the gate for me when I get home.

Until I got "the call".

It was legit, thank goodness. Not that I'm being all ingrata for it, but the agent was all sniffing and sneezing and coughing on the side. Okay, okay, so not everybody's doing well nowadays. I get that part. But drinking your mucus and saying "aaah" right after?! So what were you having, Gatorade??

Give me a break. EEEEEEWW. What's the mute button there for?

I had plans for my birthday. I really did. I was to spend it in Puerto. I had the swimsuits, the itinerary, the lodging:

until those two typhoon asswipes ruined it.


Life. Hmf. TMI, TMI. Bitterness is in the air.

When you get hurt for no apparent reason, when you find out this and that for no apparent reason when you're not supposed to be affected for no apparent reason, are you just making a fuss out of it for no apparent reason?

Sometimes, it just hurts just standing here, watching, doing nothing when you slowly kill yourself.

For no apparent reason.

Ohwkaaay.

So where were we?

Oh yes, pardon. Now I remember.

In the middle of heaven and earth.

Can we call that "heaven" as well? Having all the reasons to have a piece of heaven is just, well, blissful.

Thank You Lord for all the little pieces of happiness you give me here and there.ü

You Fall for the Guy or Girl Next Door Type

You think that people make love too complicated, and what you want in a partner happens to be pretty simple. You're content with someone who's nice, attractive, honest, and normal. So how come that's so hard to find? You are fairly traditional, and you value security in relationships more than most people. It's important for you to find someone loyal. When you find the right person, you don't expect much from him or her. You're just happy to be together.

What Type Do You Fall For?

Good morning, sunshine. You make my eyebags dazzle.

For want of a book, sleep is lost. For want of sleep, sanity is lost.

I desperately want to get a book. A new book. Whatever it takes to get me inside a darned bookstore as long as I get one. Reading hiatus can make me feel like a dumbass, seriously. Haha. :p

Are we talking about a new book as in book? Or is it just Kikomachine Komix that you want, love? :))

I am now this zombie so early in the morning.

I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I dunno what you're here for but thank you. You're my daily dose of sunshine and you don't even know it. :)



"If you know so much better, then why are you here now?"

You smile a lot lately. Tell me, why?

Now there, there, sweetheart. You need happy pills.

So there you were, minding your own business until you found one stash of it.

It was fine, it did take effect.

And now, you're starting to get hooked.

If there are any side effects, that, you have to watch out for.

You don't really know if the happy pills are good for you, or if they're just placebo pills.

Be patient, sit still and let's see.

As mentioned earlier, you DO need happy pills.

Now, it's giving you an extraordinary high. :)

Good Morning Sunshine.

Thank You for giving me another reason to look forward to going to work everyday.

Let's just see where this'll end up. Nobody's rushing this time. :)

EEW.

From psychos to hos to the freaky geeks,

They have had their chance and I pretty much believe they'll stay the way they are. So keep moving forward.

Issues, schmissues.

Dear Mr. Psycho,


I cannot believe how psychotic you can get. Asshole.

Just imagine how you could ever have either whores or psychos for lovers.

Lucky (and unlucky) for me, I've gotten a wind of both. So dear God, enough of the bad stuff. I promise to do better this time. :)

I cannot believe I am slowly getting happiness back in my hands.

So-hooooo,

Are you ready for another roller coaster ride, Nikkikins?

Happiness can really find its way to you when you don't expect it to be. :)

Taunting the waves and toying with chances.

Make all that cheese go away and pretend that there isn't a single glitch in your sound system.

Happy as I seem, the glitch is there.

So he'll be my little secret for the meantime.

Hush, hush.


Forgive the child in your woman
Your woman is a child
If you know so much better
Then why you are here now?

Ow.

You make my cheeks hurt just smiling, blushing all day.


*mush and cheese*



:D

So Is This The 360-Degree Turn?

WOW.

Yes Nikki, this is it. Today's the start of the new, better you. So why stop it? You should be happy you know. You draw happiness and inspiration from friends and family,


LEARN from your mistakes and *fingers crossed* promise not to do it again.


Tell yourself that you may be young but you are older and wiser than your years.

If people may think you're a dreamer, that you have so much illusions of grandeur,

Tell them to go fuck themselves because they have no dreams of their own.

Avoid cynical people. They tend to drain the happiness out of you.

It would be of useless dreaming to be with such beings. It's just not healthy.

If you still can't be the artist, be the critic --

But that doesn't mean that you can't be the conversation piece as well. So take it easy.

Don't find love, it'll find you,

Like everything and everyone, they'll come around when the time is right.

Strive. Always do.

Continue taking risks, for you'll never know what you're missing until you try. Your heart will never be at peace until you do.

Be thankful for God's little delays. Sometimes it pays that happiness comes a few minutes later than expected.

Now be a good girl and continue living life. You're worth it. You're worth the world. ♥

Starlight Express

God help me. The pain is much more than I was expecting.

Easier said than done, the 15-day-program is bullshit. Who was I fooling when I know that the first ray of hope on the matter would make me go nuts once again.

Are you planning to give me a heart attack or what? Dammit. Of all people. The pain fresh, the hopes still up. I know that I just can't assume all the time what's going on in that brain of yours (and as for everybody else) but what do you want me to think, really?

What hurts me the most is that I am hanging onto air. Into nothingness. I fool myself that you are existent, that you weren't given much of a chance, that one day you'll listen so that I can start getting my life back.

Chicken shit. I'm here. Yoo-hoo. I'm just here. What's so wrong with your vision? What do you expect me to think about distance when I find out that you're just a few blocks away from where I am?


Go on fool, keep breaking my heart. For something this short I am feeling a long-term heartache.

Futile.

FUTILE.


Disengaging pretty soon. :(

(make it SNAPPY rather.)

Back to reality. A friend told me that I can never keep peace with myself if I don't start asking. Yes, I know that very much. One must take risks, one must have the balls to be that risky enough if you want things to go your way to get the one thing you want. This is the reason my mother once told a friend that she knew where I got my looks but couldn't figure out where I got my drive. The brave little toaster. The risk-taker. The Nikki.

And it could've been better if the "source" was pretty much existent to exercise my belief onto. :(

On the lighter side of life, I am pressuring myself to go back to school. Well, the going back is easy, the paying-the-arrears part isn't. God. Why did this world have to run on money?! Pfft. If school didn't run on tuition I could've taken masterals for the mere fun of studying. Or have taken a double major. Or have made it to the academe.

Dreaming on. Hahaha, funny kid. :))

You Have A Marquee Board on Your Forehead.

I hate going to work lately.

The queue is pure BS. With all those new hires and the retards' holiday, where is the much-awaited avail of a minute and then some?! God. Now all those little ows and whoops are sprouting out of nowhere like fungi. Pfft.

I was still at home yesterday when I got wind of what was on the news. Same old, same old: DepEd suspending classes, passing the ball to CHED for college and leaving the hoop open to Malacanang for the metropolis. Man, people can be slowpokes. It was finalized around 1 PM, when everybody had the chance to be soaked, stranded and finish almost half the day iffed.

Politics is dirty. And fugly. And not something healthy to be digested. Bleh. xp

Due to the futile efforts to reach a mini-goal (and the mini-goal being unreachable), I decided to scratch the mini-goal out of the checklist. There was a marquee board, seriously. Hmm. I'll survive. :)

My mother gave me this idea to scour the whole stretch of Pasay and Paranaque once more. Hmm. So I'm going pimping anytime soon. Mothers. Love them. Hate them. Love them all over again. ♥

The next thing I know is I'm back to sleeping on the job again. Eew. God, give me my sleep back. I want those hey-i'm-asleep-and-I-want-some-more episodes. It's driving me nuts, seriously. And I couldn't care less.

Me: "Vian, meet James. James, Vian. Vian's my friend, you know. And James was Shelu's buddy during the call sim blah-blah-blah." (whatever you call that shiznit, I thought to myself) 

Vian: "So teammate mu sha na new"?
James: "Hehehe"
Me: "No. Which reminds me, why do I know you again"? (lutang, pare)
James: "Hehehe" (isa pang lutang)

Vian: "Hehehe" (nalintikan na)

Now that is what a shitty queue can do to people.

Politics, religion, fugly people. Ethics clearly states that these are the things that aren't to be openly discussed about.

The third one though, I made up. :))

Good morning sunshine. I missed you so. ♥

This is the nth Random-Titled Post.

After waking up waaay too early for work, I have had myself a thought scramble (sans milk and chocolate syrup). Run-through:

• 15 days.

In 15 days I will test my sanity by being merely existent. But no texting, no chatting, no keeping in touch. The countdown started just yesterday (August 1st). Help me. As both my friends have mentioned, have hope if the person's in a coma, mourn if they go away and yet still have their presence felt. For the latter? Goodness. I now throw my hands in the air.

• How can I have peace with you if I don't at least try to have peace with myself?


Easier said than done. Focus on the good things but don't forget the bad things. Keep distance. The circulating rumor has had my head for that matter. And I have to say that it smacked me square in the face. I half-believe, half-turn a blind eye and deaf ear to it. If I let this go through my senses, I am only driven to drive myself insane.

For how can I defend myself when I'm the only one left here? Did you ever think of that? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, how can you defend yourself when you're not here?

And you don't even give a shit no more.

• If you feel miserable, don't share your misery. It's bad for my health.

I've been hearing things. And I have to admit that they're just downright painful to the ears. There's just no substance, no proof. Take a bow. All's been said and done.

• Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are vexations to the spirit.

To justify the former. I just started doing so. For a million-and-one reasons, it was about time I kept my distance from such beings. I only get anxious when they come into the distance. Sorry. :(

• Run, Nikki, Run.


How can I run in a weather as depressing as this?! Goodness.Funny though, I am tad skinnier now compared to a month ago. I remember telling someone over summer how much I missed the rain. Now I despise the rain again.  Fuck summer romances. You didn't read that.

• I'll keep myself busy, and eventually, I'll forget about not you, but everything you left that needs picking up.


Enough said.

• I started cleaning my laundry in private.

Yet you owe it to me to clean some.

• Never assume how someone else is feeling - Fergie

So here I am, trying so hard not to. No matter how bad this is, the only person left to weather the storm is me. Sadly, people come and go and sometimes you just want to assume what runs inside their heads. Do they think of you? Are they afraid of you? When you cross their minds do they just want to throw up? Do they take the fun out of hiding?

This is the first time that for once, I am doing myself a favor. 15 days. Practicing the art of deadma. Walk the road to healing, to forgetting. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Help me.A million times over I have had my heart broken for so many reasons. I'll stop being a softie for 15 days and do myself a favor to love myself a little more than those who I believe are worth loving, but not worth the effort.

Help me. I am praying constantly. I need all the courage, all the guts in the world mustered. :(

So There I Was, Minding My Own Business...

When a little bird told me one thing, one quote to get my emotional baggage out the window.



YOU CAN START DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE, PHONY.




Disgusting. Just disgusting. I hate you, asshole. Never have I been so disgusted in my whole life.

Sting, Stang (?!) Stung

It pretty much does.

Just like a sore joint in a cold weather, an old incision on a rainy day. It haunts me like a ghost, unwavering, always there to remind you of something, someone who used to exist.

Do I still try to find the truth that not all is gone? Do I still want to find the truth behind the lies? Am I already facing bitter reality?

I wouldn't really know if you gave me answers to the many questions you left lying on the floor.

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away..


Fuck. Relapse. Fuck relapses. I'd rather die than to go through this again. :(

For Lack of Things to Do (and moping because of dear Brandon)

Found my peborit. I really dunno if these things are like 100% accurate, but hell I don't care. Happy pills.

You Are Excited

You carry others with your strength. You can be strong for friends and family when they're not able to be. You are a very inspiring person. You show others that dreams can come true. You take charge naturally, and people don't usually stop you. You are confident and competent. You think the best days and years are yet to come. You are ready for the future.

How Are You Feeling?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

...and another:

Your Guy Could Bring You Home

When it comes to meeting the parents, you're cool and calm. In fact, you're so self assured, you may forget to try to impress them. Work that famous charm a little more, and your boyfriend's family will be loving you.

Would He Bring You Home to Mom?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

(Nikki, bitter. :P)

You Are Outspoken

You are a confident person who doesn't second guess big decisions. You trust yourself to know what's right. You are happy to share your ideas about any subject. You don't mind expressing controversial opinions. You know where you want to go and how you're going to get there. You are very goal directed. You are extremely motivated and driven. People wonder where you get all your energy from.

The Coffee Craving Test

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

(some coffee whore I am. hahaha)

You Are Ruled by Mercury

You love to talk, and you're darn good at it. You are a very outgoing person. You are a good communicator, and you can get your message across to almost anyone. You are very energetic, and you get restless easily, especially when you're by yourself. You are extremely curious and even a bit brainy. You love to investigate everything.

What Planet Rules You?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

(told you, unstoppable. :)) )

You Should Never Date a Libra

Indecisive, flirtatious, and downright deceptive - your Libra will tell you what you want to hear. Problem is they'll be telling *everyone* what they want to hear. Instead try dating: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, or Scorpio

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

You Are a Geek

You definitely have some nerdy ways, but you've evolved into something way cooler - a geek. You are free spirited and quirky. You're proud of who you are, and you've got style. You may not fit in completely, but you don't have any problems socializing. You're witty, smart, and very knowledgable. You believe that everyone should embrace their inner geek!

Are You A Nerd or a Geek?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

(embracing the inner geekiness. hahaha)

So I Can Still Flip the Bird at the Screen?

Cold feet.

Well, not exactly cold "cold" feet, but for the nth time I'd just want to run wild and forget I ever submitted and almost killed myself with that weeklong crap. For whatever reason I'd still love to have the mediocrity of being a regular employee and going on home with no reasons to stay back at work. Mygod.

Nikki, for the nth time over, is on the way to growing up. Yay.

Easily frustrated being, I'm thankful for the ears that never got tired of listening. For Shelu who calls herself another dumdum and a half and a kunsintidora, for Joy who's the constant cheerleader.. Only 2 of the most cherished people on the planet.

Let's see if I'll have my heart eaten up later. Whew. :s

Yeah, You and Your Elevator Shiznit.

For the past few days never-as in never-in my history of self-induced sleep deprivation drama have I felt so drained.

Will all these pay off? I am just so hoping.

If it doesn't, then it really isn't meant to be.

Last Saturday I had to drag my mother and Gabbi all the way to Roxas Boulevard to pimp myself. Not that I wanted it, I just needed to. Lait festival, as I may call it.There was a skinny Boss Ira wannabe (I soo love Boss Ira), Imelda Marcos wannabe, and the just-so-not-so-overweight wannabes. That, for you, is what you call excess baggage. HAHA.

Tidbits from last week:

• Elevator-shoe man.

You're so vain. Mind you, I'm taller than you. And you're not popular. Who says you are when I myself don't even know you exist. Major eew. Get a grip. I think you like me. After all, I wasn't asking for a cocky show.

• I love you coffee machine.


The savior of all saviors. If you don't want the peseta-worth coffee, settle for the luxurious vendo coffee. And when I say luxurious, that's settling for the costliest in the bunch. Vendo macchiato. True love.♥

• And all of a sudden I soo hate those shoes.


What's the big idea with the online selling and those hidden shiznit drama-mahs? There's this person who just can't get enough of the bullying and *kpoof* immediately jacked up the price for a pair of ballet flats. Psycho.

• So you think you got yourself a girly-girl? Think again.


And a wimp, for that matter. Excuse me sir, that doesn't end the story. You think i'd end this without even putting up a fight? No sir, no indeed. Nothing is worth fighting for if you know it's reparable, you know how, what and when to compromise, it makes you happy.

I can't believe I'm doing this again. And what a he-wimp you are.

• Revenge: sweet. Unknowing victim: sweeter.

*evil laugh*  'nuf said. :))

'Cause It's Nice To Know...

That I now know what I want. :)

Thing is, does it want me back? Only time can tell.

And I realized that there are some things that you're pretty much good living without.

Take a look at this. Looks familiar?

Somebody bite me. LOL. :)) Funny thing is you want to keep asking yourself if anything better's coming your way (truth of the matter is you're just waiting for Mulder and Scully to find traces of abduction).

Yes, I find myself missing the motherfucker for no reason at all. "He's not worth it", a friend of me told me a few days ago. Why don't I miss the man-whore and I miss the abducted being, she asks again. For what it's worth, for the pain, the dedication, for everything. He's the one I want.

But, as mentioned, he's not here. He's been abducted by aliens.

The next time there's another abduction I'll make sure that I go with those green men, if it takes being absent from work. I want that being back.

Kiss Sanity Goodbye

In a few hours from now I am about to do something that pretty much'll define what time's keeping me from leaving the office.

Good job. 11 AM? Somebody kill me.

Well, after 11 AM perhaps. If I make it out of the room alive.

*fingers crossed*

And He Ate My Heart.

Amazing. Just amaaaaazing. I can have myself hanged for being such a mofo.

Talk and talk, cry and cry. That's fine. Evereybody's entitled to a little emoting drama every now and then.

Question is until when.

Sometimes I just wish you just suffer the same dramatic bull I'm in, even more. I wish karma would have you get worse. Sometimes you should see life in a not-so-funny atmosphere anymore. 

But that's just all wishful thinking, and this is just me. And you perfectly know that I can't think that way when it comes to you. :(

Dear Brandon, I Love You Goodbye.

Annoying how my brother can play morning view to fungus amongus while I sit here typing my ass off. Hmf. Good job. :-|


So I survived another shift earlier. Due to the despicable dinner and the waaay too rich chocolate, here I am again with another run-through of things that transpired (or perceived) within the day.

• One man's meat is another man's poison.

In desperate attempts to make ends meet (and for my mother to not have an idea as to what I am doing), I had no choice to cancel my leave. For a concert date that took one whole summer in the making, canceling it the last minute is just pure bull. Pure bitter bull.

I wanted to prolong things a bit (like submitting the cancellation form midweek, duh) just to humor my sanity.

Until she came along and thanked me in advance.

A LatAm girl was thanking me, jumping with joy that I was about to cancel the 28th since her boyfriend surprised her with tickets to the concert and yet she didn't get to file a leave and couldn't swap as well. A million and one thank yous and a promise to tell me all about it made me sulk and had my heart go out to her.
My god Nikki, how does that feel now.

So there, one man's meat is another man's poison. In my case, it's my meat and my poison. :(

• The Grouch.

I am forced to wake up early in order to get stoned for three hours then kill myself for 8 hours more. Hello, hormones, hello grouchiness, hello hell. Go figure.

• I don't really know what's up with you.

For the nth time, I don't really get you. I know that I'll be the best among the rest but my god. I don't even know if I'll be flattered, annoyed, or just apathetic about it.

Treat me out to coffee. Let me be the judge.

(this is me half-bragging, half-confused about you.)



• If you get caught between the moon and Quezon City...

I am so hooked to the Christopher Cross classic. It had been playing in my head for the past month and couldn't stop me from singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing...

(it will never stop, I swear.)

Come to think of it, I am still not over the so-called summer romance. How can I tell, easy. The first thing that pops into my mind when I wake up is still the last thing I think of when I go to bed. The number one person I want to hear from is still him. The phone's loaded for those little in cases. Wishing that he'd knock his head and remember that I'm still here for all the wrong and right reasons is still an open option.


Until you realize that only time can tell. :(

I love you, you mofo. If it takes tearing your curls off your head in order to get you back I've done it since the day aliens first abducted you.


Apparently, it isn't.

Hello, Corner Seat.

Hello corner seat, I see you everyday.

For some reason, may it be by impulse or by instinct, I just have to glance at you. The mere corner, the mere space.

You do look like other corner seats, like the one where the vent can freeze you to death and the other one that didn't even work at all.

Sometimes you are occupied and sometimes you're not.

Sometimes i'd like to use you, since you are in the corner and there'll always be the lesser chance of not being called for replacements.

But lately i'd just like to look at you instead.

There are times when I make my way back to my seat when, for some reason, I see someone when I really don't at all. A ghost of some sort, I believe, since it sends chills up my spine. It makes me take a second look and makes me die inside for a split second that I stand there, wondering where that came from.

And when I get back to my senses, I just have to cry.

Why, I ask myself. Why should a mere corner seat, a mere space actually do this when it really shouldn't.

And this is the part when I break down and cry.

For What It's Worth.

I miss that motherfucker.

Never have I thought that it would go this way. The sting is here. The pain is fresh. The agony is heavy.

And I am constantly finding ways to keep the gap filled by keeping myself preoccupied with all that's worth.

Why I find myself missing him when I'm not really supposed to, I know why. When people tell me that it's easier to have the world at your feet, given the time frame that it had existed, I thank them. But I know myself better than anybody else. It will never work that way.

Whatever his reasons, may it be a front or may it be real, that would up to be him. Looking on the brighter side of things, he did jumpstart a new chapter, proving that not everything is worth dwelling on. He made me happy, looking forward to each workday even if work pretty much involved a hellhole for a workplace. He made me know how it felt to have somebody who was in tune with you, even if it was short-lived.

For what it's worth, thank you. I owe you, one way or another, that short-lived bliss, that bigtime breather I so much needed. Life couldn't have been the same if you didn't exist in my so-called world.

Hello Heart. How Are You?

For the nth time, Nikki. Give it up.

I cannot believe what fate is trying to shove up my face. Does it have to forever rain when one way or another I deserve to be happy?

The next best thing is now the last resort.






...and when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you.


(or probably, better)





Am back to square one. :(

Boy, You Got My Heartbeat Running Away.

Good morning, gloomy weather. You hype my desire to write nonsense once more.

I cannot believe this rain. I am becoming more and more of a layas just because of this sick, sad weather. I already ate a book, dragged myself running, room-danced, ate and ate and ate. And still finding myself having to write once more.

I need more books, I presume.

In desperate efforts to divert attention energy, I find myself pretty much tired of doing such. Finding diversions has never gotten me this exhausted.

Until now.

Busy, busy, busy. God.

So the next best thing is to go out more often, eat more often.

My god. And even eating becomes exhausting. :(

So let's go back to school. I am so excited. And yet the FA idea gnaws my brain out. So whatever comes first, grab it. I'll just have to hang myself if I get neither. Risky, yes. As in very. 


But it isn't anybody else's decision but mine. And sometimes taking risks are just worth it.

Super Bass. :)

I remember what my mother told me when I was younger, that sometimes it pays to be happy with the things you have. I remember telling other people the same thing, whether it be good or bad it always came happy.

Now, I find myself telling yes, myself, the same thing. Funny, I say to myself. Since I have always been the person who always wanted more, who wanted things perfect, who wanted people to go by my standards, who wanted everything in place. As karma may have it, I am easily frustrated. As in fuck frustrated.

So I decided to cut down on the overachieving, overexpecting thing. Sometimes it does help. It pays. It makes you sleep at night. And it makes you love yourself a little more.

For some reason when everything seems wrong, when the world starts to crumble, you come around.

And once again, I realize why I should be thankful that you're here. :)

And Here I Go Again.

Whiner.

Gone are the days of wishful thinking and happily ever after. You try to at least to be happy when there are a lot of this and thats here and there. You try to make things perfect in your own little meaning of perfect and everything comes in a mad array of contradicting factors.

The face. HAHAHA. That's what you GET. Loser. >:)

I hate this weather.

On the lighter side, I am keeping myself busy for all the wrong reasons.

And cascading back to the depressing part: the weather.

Good Day, Little Miss Cling-Wrap

I soo hate myself for being one.

When will the stupidity end. When I'm 30? When I'm wrinkly? For crying out loud, I don't want to be clingy anymore. Sometimes I consider myself an asswipe already. When these fathermuckers start forgetting you, you feel as if you have to do something to make yourself the center of their universe.

But I've never liked the attention. The occasional limelight's fine, but smothering ?!  Eew. Get a life.

I've been tempted for the past 2 weeks to get a book I found pretty interesting, Why Men Love Bitches. The only time I become one is when I don't get what I want, traffic, humid weather, bad manners. I can't be one for the longest time. My male friends, including Marius has taught me the one thing that can make a man go down on his knees: don't care.

Taena naman kase, napaka-caring mo Nikki. Fcuk.


Going back to the book, the title is worth slapping in my face for not being a bitch enough. And yet I am tempted to buy it, still.

When I find the need to do so.

Regarding the bookworm bull, I have my sumpong again. From milk cartons to ketchup labels and receipts, I couldn't stop reading again. In search of the perfect, satiating book once again.

Desperately seeking a way out.

Good Morning World. It's About Time I Started To Get Up.

Ian lost his dog, Carlos.

For a girl who's cried over so many dogs, I know that one "I'm sorry" wouldn't bring your dog back. I know for a fact that either Nacho or Osbourne wouldn't be around for the long haul, but I love them both to the full extremity of whatever bullcrap falls under the word love.

Mental note: Must love dogs.


On the lighter side, I have decided to do the unthinkable: take the chance of flying. Gah. It wouldn't make the world go round, seriously. But the mere thought of it hits two birds with one stone. Because I seriously, desperately, want to go back to school. I'll be blue, I know I will. I'll leave my parents and my siblings and HamHam and everybody I love back here while I open my email during lunch breaks to get a lot of "bilin mail". I can just see it.

But the consoling happiness even if you're miles apart from them is that no matter what changes would occur while you're gone; when you get back, they'll still love you for being you.

*sniff sniff*

Run, not-so-skinny, run. I can't believe for the longest time I cannot seem to find the slightest trace of abs. Forget it.


Yes, I am happy. Funny how you make me feel like a schoolgirl when I really don't need to feel like one. :)

Good Love is On The Way

...I've been lonely but I know, I'll be okay. :D

When All Caterpillars Turn Into Butterflies

The last time I enjoyed myself was 8 hours ago. :)

Life may not always turn out the way you want it to, but you'll always have the option to make the most out of it.

So here I am, counting blessings instead of weeping over what-could-have-beens. And whenever I feel glum, I just have to look at the brighter side of things. It works all the time.

A friend of mine told me once that he just had to admire my resilience. No one has ever surpassed this (or so he says. haha) until now. I'd like to buy that thought. Perhaps. :)

Having a ball here. :D

On Getting a Grip

Most things don't usually go your way, unless fate thinks it would be about time. 

Or if you were even worth it.

So things didn't go the way as planned. It sucks, seriously. You get to mope around, asking yourself over and over what went wrong and if by any chance you were to blame at one point.

When you realize that it was about time you said goodbye.

For the one person whom I drew happiness from for merely existing: yes, you will always be a part of me. Undoubtedly. This, I believe is for the best.

So we move on to the next chapter:

I EAT LIKE A PIG WTF.  It's a sick, sad phase. For whatever reason, at some point in time I have to eat as if I haven't eaten for decades. Disgusting. Hahaha. Hello, hormones. ü

For the record, something keeps me happy, for whatever reason, makes me look forward to going to work.

Or should I say someone? Go figure.Ü

Call it Karma.

Basically, the drastic turn of events make me nauseous.

Annoying, for that matter as well. For whatever sick reason this is one thing I have to put up with due to the incessant stupidities that have occurred.

I've done things that I haven't been proud of, it's just fucking unfair that it would come all in one big smash.

Next time cannot be a next time if you just anticipate a next time. Fucktard.

Anyways, for the lighter side, I'm going on a vacation. Yippee. Whatever.

Cannot get over the fact that the hormones have gone berserk. Is it the hormones sans the pain in the ass? Or is it the pain in the ass sans the hormones?





PS:

Dear God, please grant me some sanity. I terribly need it. I don't want to be a Virginia Woolf for the longest time again, nor Percy Bysshe Shelley. (he wasn't sick, or so I think) Can I be like Mr. Albom or the Tin-Man instead? Or maybe Helen Keller, who didn't complain, or Nick Joaquin who wrote the hell of everything else.

I can't stand the tension anymore. :(

On Gargantuan Efforts To Fix "The Hair"

For whatever reason, some dumbass force drains the happiness in me. Is it being because I want to be the only girl in the world, the cherry-flavored candy-par-lolly, the girlfriend-par-miss-perfect, or the green-eyed monster?

Really dunno. Desperately seeking sanity.

I am constantly praying for peace of mind. Did my mother, at 25, have me and was still loca over my dad: thus the immense green-eyedness? Dammit. If only my mother knew that it wasn't anyone that my dad was crazy about, rather, something. Grose. Family Computer FTW.

Hmf, WTF.

For the meantime, I am trying to preoccupy myself with a lot of things to do. Funny, the only thing I wanted to fo over the weekends before this was sleep and go out with Marius. It has to have some variety. Crap.

I have to love myself a little more. My mother once told me that sometimes, it pays to complain, it pays to unreciprocate and be a bit selfish from time to time, and to be a human by erring. Well, I get the erring part: but being selfish? God, that's something I haven't tried doing for the past year.

Really, I should. *sighs*

Back to work.

And yes, I am the jealous friend. AS IN VERY.

Well, she started it.

I'm the one asking for the lunch-slash-teatime-slash-dinner date and I couldn't even get her to come out, come out wherever she is. Hmf.

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. Has everybody been pressing ctrl 4 nowadays?

When all of a sudden I see an album with all those eenie-meenie-miney-moe lakads  with friends.

NEW Friends.

You couldve just told me that you didn't want my company anymore. BUSY. Hmf. Whatever.

On the brighter side, Miss Spooky has now befriended me. She sends tingles up my spine when there really shouldn't be any.

I'm just hoping that I reddening like a ripe tomato earlier didn't give anything away. Dammit, why does she have to be so hot?!

Oh god. Has the Spook taken the place of the Huggy Bear?

Channeling... Hmm... Channeling...

Bah, forget it. Couldn't think of anybody else to channel.

Call me weird but I now, all the more, look forward to going to work tonight. Heeheehee. :D

Only Girl In The World? Not.

Sometimes I feel so invisible.

And sometimes it is fun to be invisible. I mean it. Like for example, people look for replacements when at the same time you need to be a replacement and hide to save your seat. Haha. I so love it when that happens.

For the record I am now friends with it-who-shall-not-be-named. Hahaha. I am so happy. And I didn't really need to break a sweat to do so.

I really don't get the point where I am asked not to look down on myself, and when I start carrying my bangko I am being asked why I can be so conceited.

Sometimes in order to get what you want you have to take matters in your own hands. Gawd. For the selfless me, I am now selfish. Hmf. Stupid swapping.

I am hoping that I won't be given much of problems in the remaining months to come. I may be happy, but a little reciprocation will do. Sometimes people think that to reciprocate can also mean being a freak on a leash. Of course not.

Sometimes I start questioning my sanity. Channeling Virginia Woolf.

And I can write anything I want because this is all mine mine mine without a soul knowing what's going on.

And sometimes, that can be sad too. It's like screaming and nobody hears the pain in it, but the voice.

I'll park my cursor for now. Sometimes, talking to yourself can really make you hungry.

On the Misunderstood

I really do not get the part where I cannot say what I need to say and ask what I want done.

It's like martial law's being imposed on you. You have a paper, yet you can't say anything that may cause an uproar. You can go out, but you can't be out forever. You can talk, but you have to choose what you have to say.

And I cannot live with such circumstances because I was never accustomed to such.

When you start to get irritated for no reason at all, find fault for no reason at all, get mad for no reason at all, it's like finding fault out of something you wish didn't exist.

The F

The bad thing about not writing about the things I am supposed to talk about immediately is that everything starts pouring down that you won't know where to start.

Well, here we go.

For starters I am now an ass wipe for my job. After getting a not-so-pretty score, I am an ass wipe to the baddies. Did I say I was now an ass wipe? I'm pretty sure I did.

Baby doll Mojo is growing to be a very intelligent little girl. And a nagger. And spoiled here and there. And learns how to complain. And more of me than of her mother. Wahaha. I'm just hoping that there wouldn't be a titan clash say in like 5 years from now.

I so love that tub of lard. ♥

I cannot stand Marius being depressed. Being the super-confident, super ass wipe, super obnoxious, super charming darling superstar of mine I know when something's wrong. And there is something wrong.

Next time, stop tinkering with things that aren't yours. As I write this I seeth with anger and karmic thoughts and that being-whatever that being is-would immediately be eaten by the bowels of the earth.

This is the evil twin speaking.

We'll get by. This is me trying to be strong for him even if chances are bleak for him.

I love you, vendo macchiato. You are like the crush that can never be my boyfriend. Ahaha. ü

Finally

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
But I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes
I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally


I remember the beginning you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
And on another phase
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the mess that I have made

Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him Finally

Finally, Finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally.

On Baguettes and Bagels

Close encounters of the other kind was too close today that getting over the headache was gargantuan effort. :(

Sometimes it pays to be incognito in the workplace. The world doesn't get too small, that way. The only thing you do is do your job, chitchat, take breaks, then head home. It sometimes pays to pretend that you didn't have bosses to report to.

Disclaimer attached.

On the other hand, I play the role of a sponge used one too many. Don't get me wrong, I can listen; the bad thing is too much of the "hey-please-listen-i-need-ears" gives me unnecessary angst issues. I tend to worry, once again. Which I am not supposed to since it comes out really bad. Sadly, I am still the number one choice in the shrink industry, to date. Funny, though, I am starting to have personal coping issues of my own with no option but to ward them off myself. :(

There was this IVR that I encountered towards the end of work today. Couldn't really get over it due to the fact that I was constantly replaying the recording just to get the name of the establishment. P***.

From:

Faggots in Babel xxx

As opposed to:

Baguettes and Bagels

Shame on you, Nikki. Your mind thinks of things that no one dare think. HAHA. >:D

(I seriously have clean ears, you know.)

Overheard people in the jeep on the way to church. Gossip is bad, but if your seatmate has a bullhorn for a pie hole, you didn't have much of a choice but to hope the bad noise would just stop. The bullhorn - I mean seatmate had a compilation of neighbors' and random peoples' life stories that if she'd put it in print she'd be selling it like pancakes. The bullhorn - seatmate ranting that this and that and he and she weren't doing things quite right and that she gave them unsound advice and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-ed until they reached their destination: church.

We then watched a movie, Hereafter. I was hoping for a suspense-par-blah flick. Only to find out that maintenance should keep buckets handy in the movie house. Dammit. It was great, don't get me wrong. But it was the right movie at the wrong time.

I prefer critics to groupies. Why am I hounded by the thought of these random oh-i-so-love-you-and-whatever-you-do-even-if-i-don't-know-what-that-is when I shouldn't?

Or should I f****** should?

Is this the start of the battle against quarter-life crisis? I don't want to go there but sometimes couldn't help but think of the things that require no thought processing at all. It's energy-wasting, and nobody said it was fun. I couldn't really tell the monkey everything, he'd think I was nuts in the Virginia Woolf category. I start thinking again: was I ever deprived? (next question please)

Sad reality does not give me much of an option. My dad once told me I was a control freak. Mom said as well that I was too bossy. Ate thinks I'm all too sloppy at the edges. Having siblings next in line (and when I mean siblings, 1...2...3...4...5...6 more).  I am pressured. I don't like being pressured but it's as if there can be something done. Was I mean in my past life? Did I eat too much yesterday? Was I one of Hitler's accomplices? Is this why JD Salinger kept too much to himself? Couldn't help think why I have pangs of angst when I really should not. Seriously. It eats me alive. I am very tired. I was never like this. (or was I but it was never heightened nor amplified) Did cruel fate force me to grow up too soon?


Dammit will be the word for today.

For Want of a Nail

I cannot believe I had to wait a decade just to get a seat.

When you see this sign:

Please limit your internet usage to 30 minutes. There could be a long queue behind you, people waiting for their turn. Thank you.

Is it so hard to understand? It being free doesn't mean that you can get happy meals every now and then. Duh.

People. Hmf.

I want to write and write and write some more. Is it just here that I can do it? Nah. If I can send to every phony that tries to place a call with us how I think they suck and what they do sucks and their grammar can send them to hell, I could've. We-hell, this is just me speaking. >:D

I will tread the McDonald's-Home trail as often as possible. I don't care if it takes me forever but I'm doing it. Blah.

I cannot finish 1984 because its content is too much to handle, especially when you want to forget sometimes how mean the world could be.

And to quote my friend Joseph's post:

It was written nowhere in your birth certificate that life would be fair.

So I'm having fun. So far.ü

And Another

You want to wake up everyday to realize that life isn't that bad after all.

You want to embed in your head that the past has gone and can never go back to change it. That now is the best time to get ready for the future.

You get eaten by a lot of occasional confidence glitches when you try so hard enough to realize you'll always be worth the world.

Day by day, these are the things I have to remember. Thankful enough that I am where I am now, I have what I have at present, and I will be who I am at this moment.

The constant assurance that everything will be all right if you just believe real hard.

And for the New Year

You wake up one day and you realized that sometimes, you do have to have what it takes to take your new year's resolution seriously.

Don't get me wrong. The year started off right. It was a case of he said, she said that made things out of balance for a while.

Sometimes, it just pays to be quiet when you least expect you'd have to be.