Decision and Friends

Aren't you just happy to wake up in the morning being your old self? Where you can be thankful that the sunbeams tickled your eyes to wake up, instead of drawing the curtains down, where you welcome the day and won't curse yourself and every possible reason that made you sleep for such a short time? Where chores would be done with gusto and not with a frown?

Life can't give you everything you want all in one blow. But God can give it in an installment basis. Pretty hard, but in the end you know that you will have it all, eventually, in His time.

Work on it, Nikki. Thank goodness for blocking. You don't get to see fuglies, and you don't need to look at things that make you throw up. You don't need to be an anorexic to be thin, you just need the proper diet and exercise. You don't have to look at the bad things, you just need to count your blessings.

Quit worrying much, it makes you ugly. Life offers you so many reasons to believe you are one of the most beautifully unique creatures on the face of the earth.

We will always be short of money, no matter how much we make or give. The important thing is you lend a helping hand to those in need and pay your dues to those whom you owe an amount or two. We disrupt other peoples' financial equilibriums when we borrow, and we make use of every penny spent. Be a person of your word and give it back. People expect. The "never expect, never demand" principle does not apply here.

Life is a matter of choice and part chance. Either deal with it or leave it.

Karmic. Yes, I know.

How mean were you in your past life that things like these happen to you?

How fast karma comes back to you, you can never tell. How grave, all the more that you'll never know.

How many people have done you wrong, have hurt you, have thought of you as shit when you are simply trying to live a life as a normal person that the only thing you can wish for them is that they'll have their days?

They will. Trust me. It might not be today, later, tomorrow or in a month from now. But they will.

Go creep yourself out. Serves you right.

Get A Grip.

So one day you think you've gotten things under control when out comes the big bad wolf and blows your house down.

What do you do when you've gotten a grip of what you want in life and then for no apparent reason, what you want doesn't want you?

When you want clarity and all you get is confusion, when you ask for happiness and all you get is pain, when you are happy with the simple things in life and fate finds the balls to make it complex.. what's next for you?

A million-and-one questions, just a few answers to make things okay.

When your answers refuse to be the answers, solutions, what's next?

:(

It Pays

...to be completely aware that the world you are born in will never be perfect, and that every person has the ability to be a potential asshole.

Not just if they were given the chance, but yes, they have it in them. They just haven't used it up yet.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror?

Ever checked if you had a marquee board on your forehead that says "date me, assholes?"

Once and again, I will not forgive myself. For what is the purpose of forgiving when I haven't done anything wrong.

Ahaha, be strong Nikki. You are young, the world is young.

What a waste. A handsome waste.

A Letter to the 40-year-old Nikki

Dearest,

How are you? I think of you every so often that sometimes I can just talk to you face to face. If I can just find some vehicle to take me where you are, same time and space, to do a check on you. I don't really know where you are, or what you are, or if traces of me will still be in you at present.

Did you get to fly? I still rant about it now, I wonder if you ever made it. I hope so. It should've made Mommy and Daddy proud. Did you get a mini? You should've gotten the black one with racer checks. Did you maintain a flat stomach? You should have, since it's the only thing I have problems with (aside from the occasional armajello). Haha. I so want to know how you're doing.

If only.

I want to know how Mano is. If he did pursue math hell or not. How Mother is, if she's still working her ass off when she shouldn't. Did Dad ever get over the laxed life? How Margaux is, if she's still the spoiled baby or if she's turned into the ultimate geek.

How is your heart? Are you now cold-hearted, the way I wanted you to be? Did you end up happy? Did you end up alone, content that you have the kids around? What happened to the boy that broke your heart and you still wanted more? What happened to the other boy whom you thought was Mr. Perfect but didn't have the balls to stand up for that post? I am hoping that you are well. I am hoping that you are better, stronger, more fulfilled.

For I am, right now, in all the wrong places. My faith in the Lord and in you are the only things intact.

Keep safe love. I'll see you soon.