Muted

I've been trying to fix things around here for I dunno, 2, 3 hours? Frustrating. No background, no ice cream.. Just blah. Today is blah day. I can't believe it.

Anyways, I've been tired lately. Has it been because of the recurring attacks? Dander, I say. Or has it been that I had been thinking too much about things; things that people may find unnecessary, little.. I dunno.

Sometimes people get tired for no reason at all. Sometimes, people get tired of doing the same things over and over and one day they just wake up and say, "hey, I'm tired. This should stop." It's true. Been there, done that. It's a part of the neverending cycle which we call change. It could be for better, it could be for worse. Still, it can be stopped and it can be retained.

I make a mental note of the things I want to end and the things I want to continue. Tops the list is school. The dream lives on. I'd want my asthma to stop being a pain. I'd want my mom to continue to love me and my siblings until we're all graying and shrivelled prunes. I hope that she'd stay with us forever. I want to continue writing. It serves a purpose to me. Either to keep me sane, or company when I feel alone, writing is the perfect excuse to that. I want Marius to be a pain until we're shriveled prunes as well. Trust me, he drives me crazy. Well, not always happy-crazy but there's paranoid-crazy, annoying-crazy and sicko-crazy. He doesn't just empathize because he knows how it feels to live in a semi-charmed, semi-deprived monde. And that means a lot to me. We have a lot in common yet a lot different as well. A lot are impossible yet you hold on to the little dream that it can be possible.

I wish news could stop being sensationalized. I want to stop being a paranoid and worry too much. I become ugly when it happens. I hope that not all people can still wish well for you even if you're already swimming in dog crap. I want poverty to stop. That way, most people can live happily ever after. I wish I can stop gaining weight so that I can eat more. Sigh.

Sadly, things can change (like what I've mentioned earlier) and yet some need to stay the same. Mom can't stick around forever, I won't be a waif for long, asthma will prevail, I might not continue studying and Marius, one day, might not be a problem anymore. That's the sad, painful reality of life. In order to keep the balance, there needs to be the sad people that they may value the loss of something and someone.

Yet we keep wishing, keeping our fingers crossed. And that's what you call hope.

I'm filled with it.