our brave little boy's pre-birthday surprise

Daken turned 1 last June 18th, so this is another late post. We celebrated his special day two days after, which was the same day he was baptized. He was the happiest, cutest, most gracious host to a handful of our visitors who braved the bad weather.

Sounds like the perfect day? Kinda. I mean, the day was perfect - "achievement unlocked", as Walter would put it. We had dark clouds before this day, and things wouldn't be the same after.

It was June 12th at around 8:30AM that I received a text from Walter prompting me to hurry home, as Daken had 2 episodes of seizures within the 2 hours that I have been away for work. I was hoping and praying my heart out that they were mere convulsions, perhaps from a bacterial infection gone wrong or from fever. Negative. Panicky, I rushed home. Didn't care if it was double pay shit. We didn't know what to do, as we never thought our little boy would be so sick - scarily sick. We sought the help of Tita Marla, my OB who had Pedia background as well. Our last bet was to consult a pedia she recommended at PCMC, within 20 minutes that day, to have Daken diagnosed.

The ride to PCMC was short, but felt like an eternity. Before the cab made its way through the intersection of BIR Road and Agham, Daken had another episode of seizures. I was carrying him at that time, and couldn't help but cry as he went through 30 seconds of agonizing, uncontrollable jerking. The cab driver offered to go through the red light to rush us to the ER, but we declined. We were armed with a bottle of milk, a diaper, and our faith.

We then met Dr. Cabanilla, who, unfortunately, was a pulmonologist. Daken needed a neurologist, who was unavailable during that time due to the holiday. He advised us to have the little boy admitted for observation until further instructions. Being the good parents, we followed suit. While waiting for a room, Daken had another episode. I had to run to the ER. I had to run with such speed that I felt like my heart was jumping up and down my throat. I had to run because I wanted to hide my tears of fear, my fear that my son would be in such danger.

When we made it to the ER, Daken was given a respirator, and since there were a lot of children then, temporarily shared a bed with a baby girl younger than him by half a year. When the seizures stopped, so did my selfishness. There I was, hoping and praying that my child would be okay, when the little girl beside us was being pumped with air as her dad methodically pumped. She was younger than our son, but more frail. I felt sorry for her parents at the same time, thanked the Lord that in so many ways, Daken was still more blessed.

We waited in the ER in a secluded, "paid" room - where children would be detained for further observation until directives were given. We couldn't wait in our room, because the residents had to see how an episode would occur. In the span of 7 hours, Daken went through 7 episodes. For new parents like us, we just wished that it was us instead. As a mother, I just wished he didn't go through such as every episode shattered my heart.

Daken was loaded with Phenobarbital to stop the seizures. For a child, I didn't like the idea of giving him such medicine; they said it would help, and that we just need to observe if he'd respond to the medicine or not. By 8PM, we were escorted to our room to rest. He woke up the minute the nurses had me sit in the wheelchair, and he didn't have the time of his life.

From June 13th-14th, he was grumpy, short-tempered, and hard to please - the exact opposite of our little boy. Due to nurse-doctor miscommunication, restricting water and food made the situation worse. When his pulmonologist finally met him, she finally gave the go-signal to take his IV out, feed him as needed, and give him all the milk he'd want.

Come July 15th, Daken was back to his old self. After the EEG and the ultrasound, he was cleared of Epilepsy. He had to take medicine as maintenance, as the cause was unclear and for precautionary measures. The residents and the nurses fancied him a lot, as he was the little boy every person would love to have. Here's a picture of him a few hours after waking up:

sweet as ever.♥

Here's another, when he decided that picture-taking can be fun again:

Another inconvenience of not having us leave early was that we had to take Daken's blood sample to UST Hospital to check if their findings were the same as what PCMC had at hand - that they didn't screw up on anything, so to speak. Instead of leaving on the 15th, we were delayed by a day. K. In the span of time that we were in the hospital, we all slept soundly, especially our little boy.

Daken's on maintenance meds to date, but hasn't had a single seizure attack since then. We can't say that it's the medicine that keeps the seizures at bay, we can't assume as the doctors can't even figure out the cause and can only diagnose him with seizure disorder. Walter and I are thankful that it didn't progress into anything serious, we just hope that he kind of "short-circuited" into the big 1. We were discharged last June 16th, and boy, you couldn't imagine how relieved we were to get home! ☺

Daken was baptized at Immaculate Conception Parish-Karangalan. Out of the way, we know; but it was Walter's request since he served for 7 years as a Knight - and it meant the world to him. We pushed the celeb to happen on the 20th - not the most organized event - but we did. A handful of friends made it, and if you saw our little boy then; man, it was like he was never confined at all.

Here's a shot where Tita Eva (Eurik's mom) was giving instructions. Daken's sitting on my lap, surprisingly.

Here's the little boy warming up for the ceremony (and a handful of his antics)

Hi! We're the Pecksons. ☺

Here's a beautiful group shot ♥

These men are my life ♥

Daken, measles, and motherhood

I'm now staring at this in disbelief. I couldn't imagine writing after so long. Kill me, please.

My heart couldn't contain all the happiness, excitement, and pride as Daken turns one in a month - no mother couldn't be as happy as I am now. Ironically, I feel such pain in my heart while writing this, because he's sick at the moment and couldn't enjoy being a kid today.

He has the measles.

A lot of people would say that it's okay that he gets sick now that he's still a kid - riskier when older. Okay, okay, FINE. Whatever.

My emotional threshold as a mother is constantly being tried and tested, but this is ridiculous. More often than not, I wish it was me instead of him. I wish that he didn't have to go through all the pain. I wish that he didn't have to wake up every hour, crying, looking for comfort. I wish he didn't try drinking from his bottle and cry in frustration when his throat would prevent him from doing so.

There will be a million-and-one more opportunities for me to watch Daken go through times like these, and he hasn't even started walking yet. All I have to do is be strong for him, and believe that he'll be better, every single time.

My son's now 11 months old, as we speak; and motherhood is just a bag of emotional surprises. Whatever happens, we'll be strong, I'll be strong - and pray that he'll grow up the same.

half of my heart

As of the moment my husband and I took a break from parent duties and are out of the house. Little boy Daken is with his grandma, while my phone is constantly bombarded with "where are you" texts as if I were back in junior year. Pfft. Annoying.

I should be enjoying this, I think to myself. But truth of the matter is, I can't. It's hard to. Because for the nth time, I miss my little boy. He can be whiney and peeful (wow some new word) and smelly and adorable and can really mess up our body clocks - believe me. Every single time that I have to leave him, my heart breaks a little, I die a little, I cry a little. There will always be that unknown tugging feeling in my heart whenever we're out of the house. Avail time at work make me want to just run out of the building and head home just to be with my little boy.

I asked my husband if he felt the same way. Surely, he misses Daken when he's out as well. But no odd I-want-to-throw-my-dinner-and-just-head-home sort of feeling. Is it because I'm the mom that I feel these feely-feel-feels? Gahd, I couldn't even figure myself out.

Our little boy will be on his second month, come Monday. I don't know if I were to feel excited or rushed about it. Because old people usually tell me not to rush the baby in growing up - and that it would make me feel older and want him to be all little once more. But I want him to grow up as well, so we can take him to the park and play rough and have messy ice cream dates with him. The thought of Daken being all grown up someday just, well, hurts. But that's how life is.

And yet big or small, annoying or adorable, Daken will always be the half of my heart. <3 p="">

Ah-maaaaazing.

Since motherhood has settled in, one of the many things that help me relax is by listening to jazz music. Thanks to my mum and dad, they have given me a great selection of jazz greats. As of now, I am Michael Franks-ing. OHYEAH.

To the other man in my life, Daken. (an open letter to my son)

I myself couldn't believe that today marks your first month here in this world, my son.

I can still remember the sheer impatience I had, waiting all those nine months just to see you. I can still recall those numerous pains I've felt. I can still feel the slow pace of those twelve hours that seemed like forever for you to come out. They're all fresh in my mind, and yet one look at you and all of a sudden nothing really matters now that you're here with us.

The first few days with you weren't as easy as it seemed. I cried whenever you cried, especially when your daddy and I couldn't figure out why or what you wanted. I refused to believe your doctor when she said that your stump didn't hurt (when clearly you wailed like you weren't fed for a million years) and cried whenever I couldn't do anything about it. I cried whenever you would need extra help to get that big burp out - your dad and I had to carry you to get the gas up, because if we didn't do so you'd easily choke. I felt that every single pain that you felt would have been best if it were all mine, that you wouldn't have to go through them all at such an early age. That's how mummy loves you so much.

A month has passed and your daddy and I are still getting the hang of things, with you around. You totally mess up our body clocks, and we can't really differentiate daytime from night anymore. LOL. We now know how much milk you can consume in one sitting, and now rarely forget to help you burp. You still cry like a maltreated child when you need to have your diaper changed (which can be so embarrassing and annoying at the same time) but everything, anything is okay with us as long as it's for you, dear Daken.

You still know how to break mummy's heart, you know. You still know how to make mummy cry even if it is just so uncalled for. And you know what to do and how to make your parents better, more responsible individuals just by merely existing - and we will forever be thankful to the Lord for a gift like you.

You may not be the handsomest, biggest, healthiest nor most popular baby compared to others, but you will be eternally perfect for us, my dear Daken. The trials we endure, the endless hardships and pains don't mean anything as long as we know that all those will be for you. You're really something, anak. Know that your parents love you so much, and we look forward to more days, months and years with you around. ♥

... for a good year, thank you Lord.

I feel as if I have totally neglected this blog when it had played such a big part in my life. ANYHOO, this'll come in bullets. A lot of things have happened althroughout the latter part of 2013 and this year as well. So yeah, let's see what I can come up with.

• I switched jobs. Apparently the work that made me skinny took toll on me, eventually. It took me to the point of utter leanness that I easily got sick. Pfft. I moved to Australian car insurance. Even the morning shift was pretty refreshing, for a change. But that had been July last year. And, being the perpetual perfectionist, I have found another reason to leave. So with what other people say: if you're not happy, leave. Lol.

• I GOT MARRIED!!! ☺☺☺ Now, who would have thought of THAT except for me HAHAHA :)) yes, I did, fortunately. I married the Karate Kid of my wildest dreams. We tied the knot in a simple civil ceremony with only Don and Eurik as witnesses and guests at the same time. Given that Walter is more of the no-nonsense, I-don't-want-a-lot-of-people kind, we agreed to just have the two with us during that day. So yeah, I am officially Mrs. Peckson since December 12, 2013.☺

• I am now an expectant mother.♥ I am totally in love with the idea of it, and we are expecting our first child. I am due in two weeks as I write this, and I do not feel anything but excitement and jitters as the big day nears. By the way, he's a little boy. ♥

• I am sooo grown-up now.  Well, not entirely. There's still a lot of growing up to do. But Walter and I are now together, we budget like crazy, we allocate enough for the baby's needs (which, in the not-so-distant past was for leisure mainly) and we argue about who's to make the bed. We argue about our daily intakes and we talk about the past like best friends reminiscing like crazy. We trust each other, we respect each others passions, and I still cry when he comes home late from work (WHAT). So yeah. A longer list would be wonderful, but that would just spark crass jealousy from imaginary seethers. Lol.

I missed writing, really. I just hope that when Daken comes out I'd have more of the time and energy to get back to this; being a mom wouldn't be a joke no matter how you look at it. But I am constantly assured that it would be challenging - never easy, but always rewarding.\

Let's see if I can get back in two weeks. ♥

Nothing else can break my heart like...

Work That Makes Me Skinny

I don't even know how to react to such.

So yeah, at long last, gotten the pay i've been long waiting for. Better than settling for entry-level digits. Not toxic, not stressful, but awfully far. I have to walk from MRT Ortigas to Emerald. The funny thing is I have not maintained my weight the way I wanted it to turn out - skinnier than expected. Why, I've gotten my weight back circa junior year. Walter says I look like a lollipop. Well, he looks like a skinny Logan. LOL

Plants vs. Zombies

Remmy when you played Plants vs. Zombies there would be a part where you would be informed that you were about to reach a final wave of monsters? Your adrenaline rush shoots the roof, you wouldn't know what to shoot first, and you're torn whether you'd fight for your lawn or just die.

Thing is, I've been there. Only not the final, but just the second wave.

The past few weeks haven't been kind, as a matter of fact.With the Woman Hitler breathing fire down my throat and her Gnome Apprentice sending me hate texts, life for me and Walter was pathetic. I've heard accusations here and there, stories here and there, and lies - here and there. Tiring. Sick. Just another way to wreck such a wonderful union.

On the bright side, amidst the numerous arguments and the gazillion adjustments, we're on our way to making things work out - not just for myself, not just for himself, but for both of us. Never have I seen such dedication from a man so naive from life's meanies. And I just love him for that.

Eventually, we'll permanently move out. He loves his job very much, and so do I. We'll be tried and tested for as long as these people will continue to take the fun out of it, but that doesn't mean it would change us enough to leave each other hanging. For we know that God will be at our side, as long as we believe and as long as we stay strong. :)

Every Day's A New Day

Every day's a new day in love with you 

With each day comes a new way of loving you 

Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wonder 

And if all my dreams come true 

I'll be spending time with you 

A few days ago we celebrated our fifth month together. Not that we're rushing things to make it look and sound longer, but I can say though is that we've been through a lot - and not everything has been easy for the both of us. A number of adjustments here and there, a ton of arguments whenever, wherever; understanding, understanding, and more understanding.

We may have our differences and similarities and sometimes they don't work to our advantages, but we learn to compromise - that is really a big something in growing up.

When you start planning your future, that's something. But when you start planning your future with someone who's decided on spending it with you, now, that really IS something.

I'll be in it for the long run, I promise. <3>

this never happened before

I have never really had a Valentine's date.


Ever.

Impossible as it may seem, yes, I have never ever have gotten myself one. Under so many odd circumstances. Haha. Lame, I know.

Walter had been planning for the big red date for centuries, and I have told him a million times over not to get me anything - not that I didn't like getting something, but I usually found Vday pretty much like gastos daay - lovers get to find the excuse of expecting gifts for no apparent reason. So yeah, he didn't get me a bouquet of flowers nor those fancy-schmancy chocolates.

He got me these:

It's a need, not a want. Not your typical Vday gift, but hey, this pair will surpass everything; from the wilted flowers to the crumpled candybar wrappers. Pretty much like the love i've been waiting for all my life. :)

Thank you, Walter John Peckson. I love you so much.

From Walter

Supposedly he wasn't to know about me posting this, but he didn't save it at all.  Such a waste. I didn't really ask for a letter, it's just that his friend was tad too assuming. Haha. Fantastic, really. So here goes:

Balita ko gus2 m dw ng sulat galing sakin psenxa n kung ngaun ko lng ngawaL. Kaya ito na paiikliin ko nlng kasi andami ko gus2 isulat. Mahal na mahal kita Maria Francesca Domenica Trinidad Estrada, ngcmula s simpleng patingin tingin kaya naalala ko na gus2ng gus2 ko ung mga mata mong napakaganda, ung buhok mong check k ng check kung nghihiwalay n sabay suklay, ung kilay m n kayang mgexpress ng 5 emotions per second, ung ilong mong ndi pantay ang butas, ung labi mong may tuka, ipin mong maliliit, ung kutis m n napaka lambot at ang binti mong ndi pantay.  

Ikaw ung babaeng hinahanap ko, pangarap ko at ang mahal na mahal ko. Sinuklian mo ung pag-ibig n hinahanap ko noon pa.. pinaramdam m sakin ung pgmamahal n akala ko s kwen2 lng natutupad.  Habang buhay kita pagsisilbihan at habang buhay kita mamahalin.. Oo mas bata aq alam kong natatakot ka dahil madami p ang pwedeng mangyare. Syempre madami talaga! Mgttrabaho tau, mgbubukod tau, papakasal, bibili ng sariling bahay, palalakihin ang magiging anak natin at tatanda taung mgkasama, Masaya at ngmamahalan. Odiba andame at ndi un madali  :,) antagal kitang hinanap antagal m dn nagtago.. pero dumating naman aq sa buhay m kaya “Hi miss J I’m sorry I’m late e2 nga pala puso ko <3 oh="" pakialagaan="">

Alam m ung tula? E2 b ung tagalog ng color red? Nyahahahaha joke..

Panu b un?

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Kilala mo si Jared?

Utot nya blue!

Hahahaha joke lng J English ito kaya pgpasenxahan m n J

Everybody wishes for their one true love

Where people starts to set their hopes from above

Some lucky ones were granted

But most people were disappointed

So I started believing in fairy tales

They say true love’s kiss never fails

By a simple gift of chocolates

True love Awaits.

For a long time I thought I found the one

For so long I have chosen only one

But like all stories must have an end

Only I have a very bitter end

For three long years I was damaged

I blamed everyone, I was deranged

Although I have few relationships

My heart can still feel the hardships

So I gave up and let go

From that moment so long ago..

I grew up and became stupid

I was hurt but not because of cupid

I gave up on myself and on love

For there’s no such thing as love

I cried every night asking “why”?

Now my eyes were dry

I lost faith and confidence

Self-respect and patience

I became pig headed and boastful

And yet I remain hopeful

To still find the one

Somewhere, someone

I searched everywhere

To find love and happiness to share

I wore a mask to hide my true self

My vulnerable, mushy self

Because guys should be tough

We should be like a rock, Rough

I searched and yet I failed again

My feelings were abused yet again.

Until you showed up

Your eyebrows were up

My hopes were up

Until literature was up

A girl with intelligence and beauty

So majestic and yet always on duty

You’re so high you’re way out of my reach

I can see another heart break within my reach

So I searched again for someone within my reach

I searched everywhere

And I still found you there

I ignored the signs

Believing you can’t be mine

Still, destiny seems playful

Because I ended up hopeful

So many signs and yet I’m unsure

Is this love or just another allure?

Opportunities came for you and me

Yet I remain uncertain about you and me

Until you gave me an opportunity

To express my love sincerely and secretly

Yes! I have found a way

I shall ignore you by day

But at night time

We have our special time

Talking like close friends with connections

Secretly hiding my affections

Is this love yet again?

Is it joy or pain?

Still I took the opportunity

To express my feelings secretly

I have chosen to be by your side

I have seen your sweet and gentle side

This is it I declared

I am prepared!

Hoping, pleading that it is you

All this time I wanted to say I Love you

Have I found the perfect girl?

My happiness, my love, my pearl

A huge hand slapped me in the face

I met the one worth the chase

The one who would slip away

If I don’t propose straight right away

Oh the joy I have found you

My love my life is you

Although I was shaky

I’ll take the risk for you Nikki

To declare my love in person

To look in your eyes with emotion

Finally to someone worth the trouble

We are now a couple

Oh the joy I have found you

Nikki, I Love you

Happy New Year, Nikki ☺

I started the year with a bang, literally.

I've been sick for the remainder of 2012 that I hardly noticed that my health was cascading downhill - and the only thing I had in mind was stress.

Well, easy for me to say. I had to have myself checked before I figured that it was something worse. There was a calcification in my right kidney, an almost-kidney stone. Doctor said that it was due to my negligence of having to pee when needed, and not my diet. Heck, voiding wasn't hard, so never did I associate it with UTI.

But then again, in so many ways I am thankful; because it could've been worse.

The same goes with Walter. We were under the impression that he acquired hernia, only to find out that he had a pigsa that didn't even look like one; given that it didn't ripen it looked like a regular lump. But he was in so much pain, so much that it made me cry. Funny though, he was the one confined when he was the stronger one. Haha. ☺

As of today I am relishing one of my last few days off at work. I thought 65 days of work would reap benefits, I was wrong. I got a merry mix of friends and problems, all worthwhile.

Although the holidays came and went in one clean sweep, I am, as far as I can tell, am happy. I really am. Amidst so much hardships, so much pain, God has kept me afloat - He managed to shower me with blessings, known and in disguise. I cannot say that 2012 has been mean to me, and neither can I say that it has been good - but I am thankful, I really am. For 365 days filled with lessons and experiences.

Here's one of the few pictures taken while Walter was confined. This was the time that I was recovering from UTI. We managed to look after one another, we managed to be happy.We may not have welcomed the new year with a bang, but we've proven ourselves that through thick and thin, happy and sad, sick or not, we can make it.

Pimple Fever and the Great Chararat

you can count them
prick them
loathe them
privately or publicly

they can be a pain
in the ass
in the face
wherever, whenever

they come in all
shapes and sizes
damn
it sucks to be you

they ruin you at your best
highlight you at your worst
get out of my face
get out of my life

what menace
are we talking about?
one that is pus-filled?
or one that is pus-like?

Sanity

Amidst all the insanity I manage to stay afloat.

Life hasn't been all that cruel nor has been all that nice, but hey, hard work does pay off - one by one. :)

Hello happiness - I've waited for you for so long. :)

Once Upon A Time

In the life of a girl like me, decision-making was hell.

As a matter of fact, it is ongoing.

Pretty please, I need a sign here? :(

Early Morning

3am
Mind wandering
Looking
Searching
Morpheus, where are you?

Mind exhausted
Heart, tired
Slowly
Gently seeping
Yawn.

I remembered the
Pillow
Buried myself in it
And it smelled like your
Hair

Flooding
Rushing
nostalgia
No,
Nostalgia.

I will never get to sleep.

...but then again

Hopes are always high, always hoping for the best.

*fingers crossed*


Lord, enough of this madness. I can use a little sanity, if it isn't too much to ask. A few more days to go, just a few more. It would be just grand if You let me be tad more happy. I love you.

Suicide

When you jumped off the cliff,
You shouldn't have taken my heart with you.