our brave little boy's pre-birthday surprise

Daken turned 1 last June 18th, so this is another late post. We celebrated his special day two days after, which was the same day he was baptized. He was the happiest, cutest, most gracious host to a handful of our visitors who braved the bad weather.

Sounds like the perfect day? Kinda. I mean, the day was perfect - "achievement unlocked", as Walter would put it. We had dark clouds before this day, and things wouldn't be the same after.

It was June 12th at around 8:30AM that I received a text from Walter prompting me to hurry home, as Daken had 2 episodes of seizures within the 2 hours that I have been away for work. I was hoping and praying my heart out that they were mere convulsions, perhaps from a bacterial infection gone wrong or from fever. Negative. Panicky, I rushed home. Didn't care if it was double pay shit. We didn't know what to do, as we never thought our little boy would be so sick - scarily sick. We sought the help of Tita Marla, my OB who had Pedia background as well. Our last bet was to consult a pedia she recommended at PCMC, within 20 minutes that day, to have Daken diagnosed.

The ride to PCMC was short, but felt like an eternity. Before the cab made its way through the intersection of BIR Road and Agham, Daken had another episode of seizures. I was carrying him at that time, and couldn't help but cry as he went through 30 seconds of agonizing, uncontrollable jerking. The cab driver offered to go through the red light to rush us to the ER, but we declined. We were armed with a bottle of milk, a diaper, and our faith.

We then met Dr. Cabanilla, who, unfortunately, was a pulmonologist. Daken needed a neurologist, who was unavailable during that time due to the holiday. He advised us to have the little boy admitted for observation until further instructions. Being the good parents, we followed suit. While waiting for a room, Daken had another episode. I had to run to the ER. I had to run with such speed that I felt like my heart was jumping up and down my throat. I had to run because I wanted to hide my tears of fear, my fear that my son would be in such danger.

When we made it to the ER, Daken was given a respirator, and since there were a lot of children then, temporarily shared a bed with a baby girl younger than him by half a year. When the seizures stopped, so did my selfishness. There I was, hoping and praying that my child would be okay, when the little girl beside us was being pumped with air as her dad methodically pumped. She was younger than our son, but more frail. I felt sorry for her parents at the same time, thanked the Lord that in so many ways, Daken was still more blessed.

We waited in the ER in a secluded, "paid" room - where children would be detained for further observation until directives were given. We couldn't wait in our room, because the residents had to see how an episode would occur. In the span of 7 hours, Daken went through 7 episodes. For new parents like us, we just wished that it was us instead. As a mother, I just wished he didn't go through such as every episode shattered my heart.

Daken was loaded with Phenobarbital to stop the seizures. For a child, I didn't like the idea of giving him such medicine; they said it would help, and that we just need to observe if he'd respond to the medicine or not. By 8PM, we were escorted to our room to rest. He woke up the minute the nurses had me sit in the wheelchair, and he didn't have the time of his life.

From June 13th-14th, he was grumpy, short-tempered, and hard to please - the exact opposite of our little boy. Due to nurse-doctor miscommunication, restricting water and food made the situation worse. When his pulmonologist finally met him, she finally gave the go-signal to take his IV out, feed him as needed, and give him all the milk he'd want.

Come July 15th, Daken was back to his old self. After the EEG and the ultrasound, he was cleared of Epilepsy. He had to take medicine as maintenance, as the cause was unclear and for precautionary measures. The residents and the nurses fancied him a lot, as he was the little boy every person would love to have. Here's a picture of him a few hours after waking up:

sweet as ever.♥

Here's another, when he decided that picture-taking can be fun again:

Another inconvenience of not having us leave early was that we had to take Daken's blood sample to UST Hospital to check if their findings were the same as what PCMC had at hand - that they didn't screw up on anything, so to speak. Instead of leaving on the 15th, we were delayed by a day. K. In the span of time that we were in the hospital, we all slept soundly, especially our little boy.

Daken's on maintenance meds to date, but hasn't had a single seizure attack since then. We can't say that it's the medicine that keeps the seizures at bay, we can't assume as the doctors can't even figure out the cause and can only diagnose him with seizure disorder. Walter and I are thankful that it didn't progress into anything serious, we just hope that he kind of "short-circuited" into the big 1. We were discharged last June 16th, and boy, you couldn't imagine how relieved we were to get home! ☺

Daken was baptized at Immaculate Conception Parish-Karangalan. Out of the way, we know; but it was Walter's request since he served for 7 years as a Knight - and it meant the world to him. We pushed the celeb to happen on the 20th - not the most organized event - but we did. A handful of friends made it, and if you saw our little boy then; man, it was like he was never confined at all.

Here's a shot where Tita Eva (Eurik's mom) was giving instructions. Daken's sitting on my lap, surprisingly.

Here's the little boy warming up for the ceremony (and a handful of his antics)

Hi! We're the Pecksons. ☺

Here's a beautiful group shot ♥

These men are my life ♥

Daken, measles, and motherhood

I'm now staring at this in disbelief. I couldn't imagine writing after so long. Kill me, please.

My heart couldn't contain all the happiness, excitement, and pride as Daken turns one in a month - no mother couldn't be as happy as I am now. Ironically, I feel such pain in my heart while writing this, because he's sick at the moment and couldn't enjoy being a kid today.

He has the measles.

A lot of people would say that it's okay that he gets sick now that he's still a kid - riskier when older. Okay, okay, FINE. Whatever.

My emotional threshold as a mother is constantly being tried and tested, but this is ridiculous. More often than not, I wish it was me instead of him. I wish that he didn't have to go through all the pain. I wish that he didn't have to wake up every hour, crying, looking for comfort. I wish he didn't try drinking from his bottle and cry in frustration when his throat would prevent him from doing so.

There will be a million-and-one more opportunities for me to watch Daken go through times like these, and he hasn't even started walking yet. All I have to do is be strong for him, and believe that he'll be better, every single time.

My son's now 11 months old, as we speak; and motherhood is just a bag of emotional surprises. Whatever happens, we'll be strong, I'll be strong - and pray that he'll grow up the same.

half of my heart

As of the moment my husband and I took a break from parent duties and are out of the house. Little boy Daken is with his grandma, while my phone is constantly bombarded with "where are you" texts as if I were back in junior year. Pfft. Annoying.

I should be enjoying this, I think to myself. But truth of the matter is, I can't. It's hard to. Because for the nth time, I miss my little boy. He can be whiney and peeful (wow some new word) and smelly and adorable and can really mess up our body clocks - believe me. Every single time that I have to leave him, my heart breaks a little, I die a little, I cry a little. There will always be that unknown tugging feeling in my heart whenever we're out of the house. Avail time at work make me want to just run out of the building and head home just to be with my little boy.

I asked my husband if he felt the same way. Surely, he misses Daken when he's out as well. But no odd I-want-to-throw-my-dinner-and-just-head-home sort of feeling. Is it because I'm the mom that I feel these feely-feel-feels? Gahd, I couldn't even figure myself out.

Our little boy will be on his second month, come Monday. I don't know if I were to feel excited or rushed about it. Because old people usually tell me not to rush the baby in growing up - and that it would make me feel older and want him to be all little once more. But I want him to grow up as well, so we can take him to the park and play rough and have messy ice cream dates with him. The thought of Daken being all grown up someday just, well, hurts. But that's how life is.

And yet big or small, annoying or adorable, Daken will always be the half of my heart. <3 p="">

Ah-maaaaazing.

Since motherhood has settled in, one of the many things that help me relax is by listening to jazz music. Thanks to my mum and dad, they have given me a great selection of jazz greats. As of now, I am Michael Franks-ing. OHYEAH.

To the other man in my life, Daken. (an open letter to my son)

I myself couldn't believe that today marks your first month here in this world, my son.

I can still remember the sheer impatience I had, waiting all those nine months just to see you. I can still recall those numerous pains I've felt. I can still feel the slow pace of those twelve hours that seemed like forever for you to come out. They're all fresh in my mind, and yet one look at you and all of a sudden nothing really matters now that you're here with us.

The first few days with you weren't as easy as it seemed. I cried whenever you cried, especially when your daddy and I couldn't figure out why or what you wanted. I refused to believe your doctor when she said that your stump didn't hurt (when clearly you wailed like you weren't fed for a million years) and cried whenever I couldn't do anything about it. I cried whenever you would need extra help to get that big burp out - your dad and I had to carry you to get the gas up, because if we didn't do so you'd easily choke. I felt that every single pain that you felt would have been best if it were all mine, that you wouldn't have to go through them all at such an early age. That's how mummy loves you so much.

A month has passed and your daddy and I are still getting the hang of things, with you around. You totally mess up our body clocks, and we can't really differentiate daytime from night anymore. LOL. We now know how much milk you can consume in one sitting, and now rarely forget to help you burp. You still cry like a maltreated child when you need to have your diaper changed (which can be so embarrassing and annoying at the same time) but everything, anything is okay with us as long as it's for you, dear Daken.

You still know how to break mummy's heart, you know. You still know how to make mummy cry even if it is just so uncalled for. And you know what to do and how to make your parents better, more responsible individuals just by merely existing - and we will forever be thankful to the Lord for a gift like you.

You may not be the handsomest, biggest, healthiest nor most popular baby compared to others, but you will be eternally perfect for us, my dear Daken. The trials we endure, the endless hardships and pains don't mean anything as long as we know that all those will be for you. You're really something, anak. Know that your parents love you so much, and we look forward to more days, months and years with you around. ♥

... for a good year, thank you Lord.

I feel as if I have totally neglected this blog when it had played such a big part in my life. ANYHOO, this'll come in bullets. A lot of things have happened althroughout the latter part of 2013 and this year as well. So yeah, let's see what I can come up with.

• I switched jobs. Apparently the work that made me skinny took toll on me, eventually. It took me to the point of utter leanness that I easily got sick. Pfft. I moved to Australian car insurance. Even the morning shift was pretty refreshing, for a change. But that had been July last year. And, being the perpetual perfectionist, I have found another reason to leave. So with what other people say: if you're not happy, leave. Lol.

• I GOT MARRIED!!! ☺☺☺ Now, who would have thought of THAT except for me HAHAHA :)) yes, I did, fortunately. I married the Karate Kid of my wildest dreams. We tied the knot in a simple civil ceremony with only Don and Eurik as witnesses and guests at the same time. Given that Walter is more of the no-nonsense, I-don't-want-a-lot-of-people kind, we agreed to just have the two with us during that day. So yeah, I am officially Mrs. Peckson since December 12, 2013.☺

• I am now an expectant mother.♥ I am totally in love with the idea of it, and we are expecting our first child. I am due in two weeks as I write this, and I do not feel anything but excitement and jitters as the big day nears. By the way, he's a little boy. ♥

• I am sooo grown-up now.  Well, not entirely. There's still a lot of growing up to do. But Walter and I are now together, we budget like crazy, we allocate enough for the baby's needs (which, in the not-so-distant past was for leisure mainly) and we argue about who's to make the bed. We argue about our daily intakes and we talk about the past like best friends reminiscing like crazy. We trust each other, we respect each others passions, and I still cry when he comes home late from work (WHAT). So yeah. A longer list would be wonderful, but that would just spark crass jealousy from imaginary seethers. Lol.

I missed writing, really. I just hope that when Daken comes out I'd have more of the time and energy to get back to this; being a mom wouldn't be a joke no matter how you look at it. But I am constantly assured that it would be challenging - never easy, but always rewarding.\

Let's see if I can get back in two weeks. ♥

Nothing else can break my heart like...